South Park: Military Hijinks
by Scorch-X
Summary: The class is sent to military school, folowing a serious incident at the museum.
1. Chapter 1

South Park: Military hi-jinks

By Scorch-X

Chapter 1: Something snaps

It was yet another day in South Park, and the students of Ms. Garrisons class headed out to the museum at Middlepark for an art history leson. Most of the class, minus Wendy were grumbling about it.

"What're you moaning about Frenchie?" Cartman sneered at Pip, "Don't you Frenchies have art gallaries all over?"

"For your information Eric, not all French people like art, and further yet, i'm not french, you obese ignoramus!" Pip replied. Cartman started to walk over, his fists raised, but Kyle sensibly held him back.

"C'mon you two, act your age, we're in Middlepark, last thing we need is to start a riot or something." he said, "Now shake hands."

"Shake this!" Cartman said, pointing to his crotch, and slunk away.

"Would if i could find it in all that flab." Pip muttered, causing Kenny to laugh. The class arrived in the museum, and placed their coats into a locker, and headed into the museum with their guide, who started the tour. After a while, Cartman was bored, and began to sing dirty limericks to the amusement of the class. As the group moved on, Cartman suddenly shoved Pip, causing him to stumble into a display, causing the class to giggle.

"ERIC!" Ms. Garrison shouted, "I saw that."

"So what? Nothing got broke." Cartman replied. As Pip stood up, something fell, and hit another display, causing a bronze helmet to catapult through the air, and hit the guide, causing even more laughter. Cartman threw something at Pip, and Pip then returned the favour. Suddenly, Cartman and Pip were fighting in the middle of the museum as Garrison tried to seperate them.

"Who do we cheer for?" Kyle asked

"I recon Pip, good to see him getting his own back on Fatzilla!" Kenny said

"Knock him into next week!" Stan said

"Righto!" Pip replied, and shoved Cartman into another display. Just then, the museum guards arrived, and dragged everyone to the office. After several hours, the students and Ms. Garrison were heading back at the school, awaited by their parents.

"Ya know, it's never good when your parents have to go to school." Stan said

"You're correct about that Stanley." Pip commented

"You have no parents Frenchie!" Cartman said from the front of the bus. Pip made to stand up, but Kenny forced him to sit again.

"You'll do yourself no favours by attacking him again." Kenny said

"Yeah well, At least i have parents." Cartman goaded

"Oh Really? At least i'm not the offspring of a drunked hermaphrodite and a drunken woman." Pip replied, causing Cartman to wince, "Yeah, i heared all about that! What's the matter Eric? Have i hit a nerve? Now you know how it feels being called French all the time."

"YOU GOD DAMNED BASTARD!" Cartman screamed, and attempted to stand up, but couldn't manage it. Ms Garrison finally yelled at the top of her voice QUIET and everyone was silent. As the bus arrived at school, Liane Cartman and Pip's guardian were looking furious.

The next day, the class attended an assembely in the main hall, and the principal spoke.

"Following yesterdays outrage, the school is left with a 250000 dollar repair bill, we have decided that Ms. Garrisons class will attend the Rocky Mountains Junior ROTC programe for 3 months. There you will learn teamwork, and how to behave." she said

"What's ROTC?" Cartman asked

"It's an all you can eat chinese buffet." Kenny said

"Really?" Cartman asked

"Yeah, Real Taste of China!" Pip replied

"Wait a minute, that's RTOC." Cartman said

"Ah, and the penny drops?" Kenny asked, "ROTC, Reserve Officers' Training Corps."

"THE ARMY?" Cartman yelled, and passed out.

A week later, the class were on the bus to camp, with Cartman shaking with silent sobs. Kenny however looked happy.

"Three months away from home, the food's probablys better their." he said. The journey to camp was pretty sober, except for Pip, Stan, Kyle and Kenny snatching glances at Cartman and smirking. At the camp, the class was greated by a drill sargeant called Sgt. Grey.

"Welcome to Camp Omega JROTC base, i am Sgt. James Grey, you may adress me as Sargeant Grey, Sargeant or Sarge. You will have until Twelve Hundered hours to unpack your bags into your locker, report for lunch at the messhall, and finally report back here at Thirteen Hundered hours. Is that clear?" Grey asked

"Sir, i have a question." Cartman asked

"Fire away." Grey replied

"Did you flunk the real army and get stuck here?" Cartman asked. Grey's face went red, and he screamed in Cartman's face

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME CADET?" Grey demanded

"C.c.c.c.c.cartman sir! Eric Cartman!" Cartman said, freaking out

"You'll learn respect here Cartman! Drop down and give me 15 sit ups!" Grey ordered. Cartman instantly obayed, and attempted a situp.

"Come on chubby chubby, thats one. Roll on tubby, two!" Grey said, as Cartman slowly did the situps. Suddenly, unable to bare it, Pip laughed

"Something amusing you son?" Grey asked. Insantly Pip froze, then Grey walked over, "What's your name Girly boy?"

"Pip sir, well actually, it's really Philip Pirrups sir." Pip said

"Pip huh? I guess it must be pretty amusing to watch chubby chubby, but their's a problem. THIS AIN'T NO COMEDY CLUB! GIVE ME 25 PRESS UPS RIGHT NOW!"

Pip sighed at his own stupidity, and obeyed the order. Afterwards, Grey read a list, "Clyde Donovan, Craig West, Token Black, Tweek Tweak and Kevin Wu, you are Team Alpha. Report to dormatory 23. Stanley Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kenneth McCormick, Eric Cartman, Phillip Pirrups, you're Team Bravo, report to Dormatory 24, the rest of you men, Team Charlie Dormatory 24. Females, Team Delta, dormatory 25. Dismissed!"

In Dormatory 24, the guys were unpacking their stuff. Cartman had naturally smuggled in as much food as possible, and hardly anything else. Pip sighed, as he unpacked. 3 months in a military camp was bad enough, but three months with Cartman as his roommate just plain sucked. Pulling a bottle of Iced Tea out of his bag, he took a drink, and sighed again. Cartman sat on his bed, and began eating a packet of cheesy poofs. Somebody knocked on the door, and Kenny opened it, to see Craig.

"C'mon guys, lunch!" he said. After lunch, Sgt. Grey briefed everyone.

"Alpha team and Bravo Team, you will be on unit 1, Charlie team and Delta team, you will be on unit 2. Each team will have 100 points, that are pooled between your two units, so each unit has 200 points. Any rule breaking will result in point loss, that will reflect not only yourself, but your unit also. Furthermore, any rule breakers will be punished by labour services or phsyical exercise as demonstrated by cadet Pirrups and cadet Cartman." Sgt. Grey said

"What are the rules sir?" Clyde asked

"Mainly no bullying and no disrespecting officers. Other rules will be explained later. Also, you are not permitted to leave the camp. This rule is stricly enforced. 5 points for the first offence, 10 points for the second, 20 points for the third and double points per offence." Sgt. Grey asked. "Report to the beginers assault couse!"

end of chapter 1: Chapter two will be done from POV's of Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman through a diary format


	2. Chapter 2

South Park: Military Hijinks

Chapter 2: The first week

Video Diary of Phillip "Pip" Pirrups, aged 10 year, and 3 months old.

Oh where to begin? What a week. The first few days were torture. I only seemed to accidently annoy Sargeant Grey 3 times in the first day. Fortunatly, i was able to carry out the physical exercise punishment, but sadly i lost 3 points for our team. The camp itself isn't too bad actually, the food is pretty good. According to Sgt. Grey, the MRE, or Meal Ready to Eat rations that we eat, were allmost inedible when he was in the ROTC, leading to the soldiers calling them Meals, rarely edible, or meals refused by enemies. I guess we got lucky. Phillip Pirrups signing off.

Video diary of Stanley "Stan" Marsh, aged 10 years, and 6 months

Interesting week. Between themselves, Pip and Cartman only lost 7 points for our team, which is a miracle in itself. I thought they'd loose all of our points in an hour. Food here is okay, i'd rather have a happy burger though. Stan Marsh Signing off.

Video Diary of Kyle Broflovski, aged 9 years, and 11 months

Cartman's snoring is keeping me awake for ages. And if it wasn't bad enough, he talks in his sleep. Fortunatly, Kenny shoved his old parka over Cartman's face when he slept, so his snoring was muffled. Pip sugested that we ask for permission to use the tents and camp outside, but i hate camping. Maybe we could ask for Cartman to be made to camp outside or something. Kyle Broflovski signing off.

Video Diary of Kenneth "Kenny" McCormack, aged 10 years, 6 months

This place is amazing! Much better then home. Regular meals and exercise, i'm joining the ROTC when i'm done at school! Kenny McCormick singing off!

Video Diary of Eric T. Cartman, Aged 10 years, 1 month

I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY IF KENNY STUFFS MY HEAD INSIDE THAT DAMN PARKA ONE MORE TIME! I DON'T SNORE THAT LOUD! RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH! AND PIP, THAT BASTARD! AH'LL KILL YAH!

End of Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

Military Hijinks: Chapter 2 - Lost

Outside, in the mountains, Sgt. Grey was leading Bravo team on an mountain based exercise. Everyone was packed with MRE rations, compass's, blankets and knifes, as well as weapons and mock ammunition. As the team progressed a little up the mountain, with Cartman at the rear, moving a bit slower then everyone else, Sgt. Grey ordered them to secure themselves with rope, as the weather was turning bad.

"What for sir?" Cartman asked

"It's incase you slip, then your buddy will be able to help you." Grey said, "McCormick, secure yourself to Marsh. Broflovski, secure yourself to me, Pirrups, secure yourself to Cartman."

"Yes sir." Everyone replied. After a few minutes, the ropes were tied.

"When secure, Marsh lay down a spike, and fasten yourself to it. Cartman, you lay down a spike, and fasten yourself to it. We can then make our way back down." Grey said. As Cartman bent to fasten a spike, he lost his footing, and began to slide down the hillside.

"Oh bollocks." Pip said, as the rope went tight, pulling him also. Kenny dived forward, and grabbed for Pip, just say missing him.

"Oh my god!" Stan said, "Sir, what do we do?"

"Move down the hillside slowly, we'll pick them up at the bottom, and radio for help." Grey said, looking quite worried. Meanwhile, Cartman and Pip were sliding at high speed, towards a cliff.

"OH SHIT!" Cartman screamed, as the ground suddenly gave way and they fell, the ground bellow rushed up to meet them. Cartman and Pip blacked out.

A little while later, Pip woke up, his stomach was hurting like crazy. Forcing himself to sit up, he tried to remain calm.

"Cartman?" he asked, seeing Eric lying nearby, the snow around him was crimson. Pip dragged himself over, and assessed how bad it was.

"CARTMAN!" Pip yelled.

Cartman opened his eyes, and screamed, "Jesus, my leg!"

"What leg is it?" Pip asked.

"Mah left leg." Cartman said. Pip took his knife out, and cut the material of Cartmans trouser leg open.

"It's not as bad as i thought." Pip said, "I can bandage that up."

"You know first aid?" Cartman asked

"Yes, practiced on myself whenever i got hurt." Pip said, taking out the items he needed from the first aid kit, and bandaged Cartman's leg, "This will stop it getting worse, but you need a doctor. We must get to cover, a cave or something."

"I packed a tent into my bag." Cartman said, "I was sick of Kenny putting that Parka onto my head to muffle my snoring, so i was going to camp out when we got back to the base."

"Excelent, a tent is just what we need. We need to stay warm." Pip said, setting off to work, building the tent. After 30 minutes, he was able to set it up, and moved Cartman inside. Exiting to pick up the gear, he dragged the bags inside, and fastened the tent.

"Okay, we've bought ourself some time. We need a hot drink. Hmm, no coffee, do you like tea?" Pip asked

"Never tried it." Cartman said

"Well, their's allways a first for everything huh?" Pip asked, with a chuckle.

End of Chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

Military Hijinks Chapter 4: Storms and Septicaemia

Tape journal of Eric Cartman

Day 1: My leg is still sore, but at least I'm alive. We've got enough food to last a week, if we take care what we eat. I'd never have thought that i'd be taking a diet anytime soon. I'm not really fat, I just have big bones.

Day 2: God, this is horrible, waiting, praying for a rescue. Pip's not well, he threw up outside the tent earlier. He's also got a temperature.

Day 3 (11 AM): Pip is really sick, his leg is cut, and it's been infected. God, we need rescuing soon, he isn't going to make it.

At roughly 4PM that afternoon, Cartman could hear voices.

"HELP!" he yelled, "We're over here!"

"Cadet Cartman?" the voice yelled back

"Yes, I'm Cadet Eric Cartman! I'm with cadet Pirrups, he's inside the tent." Cartman called, "_We're going to make it!_" he thought. A few rescue workers arrived, and entered the tent to check on Pip.

"We're going to call in a copter, we'll be back to the base in no time." the rescue worker said, "We're going to give you something to help you sleep, and fasten you onto this streacher."

In no time, Cartman was asleep, when he woke up, he saw Stan, Kyle and Kenny standing next to him.

"Hey guys." Cartman said with a smile, "I'm glad to see you, i was so damn worried that me and Pip would die out there."

"How's your leg Cartman?" Stan asked

"It'll be just fine." Cartman said, "How's Pip?"

Kyle and Kenny exchanged dark looks, "Pip's in intensive care."

Cartman sat up so suddenly, Kyle nearly fell over in shock, "What's wrong with him?"

"He's suffering from Septicaemia, blood poisoning." Stan replied, then added, "Are you okay Cartman?" as Cartman suddenly started crying.

"He saved my life guys." Cartman sobbed, "If he dies....god, it was all my fault, I fell and dragged him down with me. All my fault!"

"Cartman, it's not your fault." Kenny said, "Don't blame yourself, besides, he's in the best possible place now."

"No Kenny, it was my fault. I started that fight, i got us all stuck here, then i go and damn near kill Pip." Cartman sobbed. Stan, Kyle and Kenny were worried, they knew Cartman was normally cruel and spiteful, seeing him sobbing about a guy he normally couldn't give a damn about was disturbing.

A docter entered, "I've got good news for you gentlemen, your friend Phillip woke up about 5 minutes ago. He said, "Get me a cup of tea will you? I'm bloody parched."

Upon hearing the news, Cartman started to laugh, "That son of a bitch had me really worried their. So, Pip's going to be okay?"

"Yes Mr. Cartman, your friend is going to be okay." the doctor replied, "Now, how is your leg?"

"It's fine." Cartman said, "How long will we be in for?"

"A week. Sgt. Grey is bringing in some of your friends tomorrow. He's waiting now for the uninjured members of Bravo team, he's going to take you back to the army base." the doctor replied

"See you guys tomorrow." Cartman said

On the return to the base, Kyle raised a question, "Was Cartman hit on the head?"

"We don't know what he went through." Sgt. Grey said, "Isolation can be hard on you."

"They were gone three days." Kenny said

"Three days, little food and water, fear of death." Sgt. Grey replied, "How would you bare up?"

Life slowly returned to normal for most, with the exception that Phillip Pirrup and Eric Cartman had become good friends. On the last day of the ROTC programe, Eric and Phillip were suprised to be awarded medals for bravery and survival.


End file.
